conflicted

i really feel passionately about the whole body approach to health. i think that many of the chronic illnesses that plague our society today are a result of poor diet and an unhealthy lifestyle (heart disease, cancer, atherosclerosis, etc). i think the trouble most of us have, is when we are knocked down by bugs, stress, or whatever, we want a quick fix. we go to the doctor, get our prescription and head home feeling better already. how much of that is psychological? it takes a long time to notice the effects of a change in diet and lifestyle, so long that we often get discouraged and lapse back to our old habits.

i've been really trying to get to the root of the skin problems i've been having - a couple rashes around my wrists - and i've been seeing a naturopath to help me along. a lot of the dietary information she's been giving me coincides with what i'm learning in my courses and i find it really interesting. i really want to follow her guidelines, but it is hard sometimes, especially not knowing if i'm going at the problem from the right direction. are the bath and beauty products i use irritating? is it allergies?

less than a year ago i had an allergy test with a conventional allergy specialist. a few skin scratches later and i was given the all clear - no allergies. a few months ago now i had an allergy test (blood from a finger prick was tested) from my naturopath. i reacted strongly to dairy, sesame and strawberries and to a lesser extent to wheat, olives and cinnamon, of all things. who do i believe?

i'm not a milk drinker. not since reading fast food nation and learning about how dairy cows are treated, the hormones they are given to increase yield, and the antibiotics they are given to treat the infections from irritation to the udders from the increased milking. there is pus in your milk. yuck. not to mention the fact that humans are the only creatures that consume milk post-weaning. cheese is my weakness, i can buy organic and feel ok about it, reduce my consumption and maybe lose a couple pounds too! great! i can avoid dairy if it's going to clear up my rashes, but if it's not? how long do i wait before i try something new?

the past few days i've been dealing with another outbreak on my hands (this is different from the rashes on my wrists). what the hell's the deal? the aches and pains, chills and sweats i've been having indicate to me i had a virus, which is how these flare-ups usually start. the timing was suspicious though... a big bbq, ate too much, had a bit of dairy... which led to digestive system upset on my part. did that weaken my immune system so that i was more susceptible to any roaming bugs? or did it send my immune system into overdrive and confuse it enough to start turning on me? this is an autoimmune problem... i just don't know.

what i do know is that prednizone is my fix. i went to the clinic up the street yesterday and the doctor wouldn't prescribe me any because she felt the risks were too great. risks for who? was she worried there would be complications and didn't want to be held responsible? for me, if i don't take it, i basically lose the use of my hands for about 2 weeks and that's not a risk i really want to take - especially with a super camping trip coming up this weekend! my hands swell (i barely got my rings off this time), they itch and they burn. then the blisters appear... tiny little patches, the blisters get blisters on top of them. eventually they dry up and crack and then a thick layer of skin peels off - it hurts and the new skin is very sensitive. prednizone can be dangerous, but it's dangerous for people with chronic conditions that are forced to take it daily for years to deal with their symptoms. prednizone is a steroid and is used to treat a ton of different ailments. i take it for 5 days and i'm done.

i'm conflicted though. i rarely take medication. have a headache? drink some water. back aches? use a hot pad. i know that's not for everyone, and that's fine, but i really think my body is trying to tell me something, and just dealing with and masking the symptoms isn't getting at the root of the problem. however, when my hands flare up, i'm first in line to see the doctor asap and i probably won't bring up my recent dosing with prednizone to my naturopath. she probably would have some suggestions, but as with any holistic treatment, i need time and time is not on my side when i'm trying to bring down swelling and prevent what i know can turn into a miserable 2 weeks.

so pick and choose your remedies? find what works best for you? i still think diet is key and that disease prevention through adequate nutrition isn't given the attention it deserves. and who really to promote this idea? well i hope to do my part with my new website (jencloss.ca is under construction), but who am i up against? there is a lot of money in drugs. pharmaceutical companies will make a lot more money treating someone for life than for curing them with one pill. of course it's not always that easy, i realize that, but i really think the focus should be on fixing the diet and thereby giving the body the nutrients it needs to repair and maintain itself, rather than just treating the myriad of symptoms that pop up, treating the side effects of the drugs with more drugs and so on.

my Mental Health and Nutrition course takes the controversial opinion that mental disease can be cured through proper dietary adjustments and supplements. that's a bold statement to make, but not entirely unreasonable when you look at the supplements suggested and how the nutrient and chemical balance in the body is affected. we aren't made up of separate organ systems and tissues; everything is connected and reacts together to stimuli. we really truly are what we eat. i think the holistic approach to nutrition and to general health deals more with looking at the body as a whole. a rash may not just be a rash, but may be an external manifestation of an internal imbalance.

which brings me back to my present conflict. i'll treat my most irritating symptoms with the harsh prednizone, but at the same time be sure to nourish my body appropriately so that it can efficiently process the drugs and heal itself and bring itself back to neutral. perhaps over time, as i get better at figuring out the right and wrong foods for me, good stress management, and just generally maintaining the right balance, my outbreaks will become fewer and farther between and i won't have to make this choice as often. :)

rainy sunday

last week was BUSY. i finished my coursework, but still need to write the exam for Nutrition and Mental Health before moving on to the next course. did the grind twice - the 2nd time was by myself and it was the fastest so far this year at 1hr3min. looking forward to breaking 1hr!

we had our summer solstice party on friday night. last year i made all the burgers (beef, turkey and veggie) and had fancy toppings prepared like bacon, fried onions, veggies, different cheeses, etc. this year i bought veggie burgers and veggie dogs and made some tasty salads instead. there is a photo up on my flickr page. thanks to everyone for coming! hooray for summer!

yesterday luke and i cycled out to ubc and went down to wreck beach for a while before cycling home again. my jaw and hips started aching yesterday and my guts were unhappy with something i had eaten at the party the night before (bloating, heartburn - i think i'm learning that is one of the ways i react to dairy, maybe i just overdid it? there was only one salad with cheese, and then one dessert with dairy, but i hardly had any, a couple spoons at most. maybe my body was already stressed? i wish i understood what brings this on so that i could better prevent it. i guess i learn a bit more each time it happens).

my aches have gotten progressively worse and this morning i woke up with swollen hands. DAMN!!! i thought before i take my prednizone, i'll try what the doctor suggested and take an allergy pill and see if that helps. that was at 5am when luke was leaving to go to the airport to fly away for a conference. i went back to bed and have now just woken up to giant, hot, red hands and a jaw that will barely open enough to pop a few pills through. i jumped out of bed, wincing at the pain in my hips, and quickly downed my prednizone saviour and i can already feel the swelling going down. at least it's raining today and i had no plans anyway. i'm going back to bed and i'm going to wake up feeling great.

Hooray for sunny days!

i'm about halfway through my nutrition and mental health class. i should finish it tomorrow and then write the exam on thursday.

slept in a bit yesterday, did my morning yoga and then did the grind with Nicole, Beth and Jen.

had a very fluid-feeling yoga practice this morning - i think i'm close to being able to jump through in my vinyasas. just got home from lunch with Renee; she's due to have a little baby boy pretty much any day now!

i've got so many things to do but i'm not really sure where to start... that's probably why i'm on the couch with the computer. i feel less organized than i did while i was working. i've realized that often during my downtime at work, i would make lists of things to do, chores, groceries, etc. i just need to sort out my routine and start using my planner more.

i think it's time to go chill on the patio with a book...

not so good at posting once a day

i meant to write this on friday but i forgot. after going to mysore friday morning, i got the first lesson (of 4) of my course done on friday and it took about half as long as i had planned. i think i'll be able to finish the course this coming week, which would be great.

friday was my first real day at home and not having to go to work. it went quite well. got up early and went to yoga, did some work, had a nap... i could get used to that routine.

yesterday we went to bowen island to hike mt gardner. i was really impressed nobody cancelled and we all made it to the top - a little rain couldn't stop us! i'm looking forward to many more hikes with friends. i think that's one of my favourite things to do. photos here.

happy father's day to all you dads out there. we're heading to abbotsford to visit our dads today. hoorray for dads!

woot

i bought a new lens today. it's the Sigma 10-20mm f/4-5.6 EX DC HSM. i hope it arrives before our camping trip to manning park at the end of the month.

1h30min up the grind with mel today. about forty 4th and 5th graders were on a field trip climbing to the top too. the bears were out at the top!

i started prepping for my next course today - Nutrition and Mental Health. i photoread the textbook (~100 pages) and did a brief postview. i prepared a schedule a while ago and so i looked it over again and i plan to start tomorrow.

day 5

i'm tired. i wanted to go back to sleep this morning. i scooted to the studio for john's morning led class, instead of cycling as i have been. i decided i would stop my practice when i felt tired and unfocused. the sun salutes woke me up, the standing postures felt grounding. the seated postures were deep and the vinyasas were energizing. the closing postures were calming and i felt taller and steadier than usual in headstand. savasana was great - i bundled up in my sweater and was warm, comfortable and totally relaxed.

~

i forgot to finish this post last night. this last session was a bit of a question and answer period. john talked about vegetarianism and ayurveda. he also revisited the idea of the breath and using it to start anew. exhale and create an empty space. you can now choose on the next inhale what thoughts to allow, and what patterns to follow. so, start everything with an exhale and lead with a lifted, open heart. this workshop has been wonderful, and i look forward to deepening my practice with the things i have learned these past 5 days.

day 4

today for the first time, i put my feet behind my head. it was exciting. to begin this morning, john led us through a tibetan mediation practice. it was very relaxing and the cloud of sleep that still hung over my brain made it easier to clear my thoughts.

we then started our morning practice, going at our own paces - more like a mysore-style class, rather than the led classes we've had in the previous morning sessions. i got a few great adjusts and then it was time for kurmasana (turtle pose). i've only just recently been able to clasp my hands behind my back for supta kurmasana (sleeping turtle). today, just as my fingers caught one another john came and helped. he had me relax my hips and as he lifted each leg and placed my feet behind my head i was able to squirm my shoulders further under my knees. my feet were hooked behind my head and he raised me up so my legs pointed up to the ceiling and i was looking straight ahead. from there i planted my hands and lifted up into tittibhasana (firefly). then john said "head down, bottom up!". i swung around and with his help suddenly i was in a handstand. it was exhilarating! he helped me lower into plank and then i was back through my vinyasa and into the next pose.

~

this afternoon john spoke about some of his experiences with guruji (Sri K Pattabhi Jois' students address him as guruji). i like hearing these stories. i always enjoy it when fiona (my teacher here in vancouver) talks of her visits to india. john said that when guruji is adjusting someone, he holds their body like a musical instrument, as if they are dancing together. fiona often has said that when she's adjusting someone, she looks to see where the prana is leaking out, where things may be kinked or hardened. there is a fluidity and grace to the practice that becomes much more obvious when the breath and energetic alignment come first. no forcing or overexerting.

in our practice this morning, john kept reminding us to take rest (go into closing and then into savasana) when we lost our focus. you are more likely to injure yourself when you aren't fully present. breath comes first - john said "observe the breath, focus on the breath, fixate on the breath."

to finish off this afternoon, after "dancing" with our partners and giving a couple adjustments, we did some pranayama (breath exercises). it was very calming and energizing at the same time. i think i actually dozed off in savasana at the end today, it was wonderful.

what do i know?

i restricted access to this blog yesterday. i got a bit self-conscious of what i'd written. but i feel better now and so on i go. this workshop has given me a lot to think about and i like to write. i can assemble my notes and my thoughts and put things into perspective. i worry about what the people who read this think but i have to remember and hope that everyone realizes that i'm writing from my own perspective and by reading what i've written you are seeing through my lens. i don't have all the answers, i'm just trying to sort things out for myself, trying to make sense of it all. what works for me might not work for you. i like to have a place to write and get it all out, it clarifies what i'm thinking and settles my thoughts.

day 3

one-pointed focus (eka tatva). fully grounded with energy and lightness swelling in the heart-centre. connected. connected within with the breath and the bandhas, connected as a group with energy flowing as we breathe together. being connected makes us light and gives us lift. lift!

~

this afternoon left me confused and a bit frustrated. i don't follow all the tangents and abstract ideas but i do feel that there are many ways to say the same thing. maybe one metaphor fits better for some people than others. i'm not worried, and that eases the frustration. i think it comes down to finding your true self and having your thoughts and actions come from a place of compassion. what we learn when we study the ashtanga system are the tools to help us find who we are and how to keep the stillness and joy when we are off the mat so that ultimately we can help others. we need to slow down, to listen and to feel what our bodies are telling us. when tired, take rest. the eka tatva is dependant on the energy which is moved by the breath. it always comes back to the breath.

john said he is giving us gifts, tools and advice we can put to use or set aside. he said these are pearls of knowledge on a continuous thread, just as the asanas are linked together by the continuous breath. once again, i'm looking forward to the sessions tomorrow. :)

here's a verse spoken by the buddha and recorded in the dhammapada that luke sent me a while ago. i taped it up in my locker at work and now i have it tucked away in my desk. i like it and every time i read it, it makes me stop and think...

The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings...

As the shadow follows the body,
as we think, so we become.

day 2

i was tired this morning and my upper body was stiff. in the led class we were about halfway through the standing postures when john stopped us and asked us to gather round. he gave a bit of a demo and then we started again from the beginning. there were a few more asides where we sat and listened and we stopped shortly into the seated postures, with a brief closing as our 2 hours were up.

yesterday john mentioned something about resolving your issues on the mat. you meet yourself on the mat as the layers unfold and your true heart finds it's voice. as you let go of your ego and find the balance and quiet within, your heart and body opens with grace and you find sukha.

~

so much metaphor. the lotus seed that sinks to the bottom and then roots and takes hold and starts climbing upwards with a great explosion at the top where the bud forms and bursts into a beautiful flower. plant that seed in your pelvis, at the root chakra and have the energy/strength/lightness run up the energy channels to the heart centre and then up and through the top of your head....

this afternoon's session is going to take a while to fully digest. i got home and have spent the past hour looking at the wikipedia pages for chakras, nadis, bandhas, and various other references to explain the subtle body and the energy flow within it, not to mention the history of ashtanga yoga itself and the sage Patanjali who wrote it all out. i've got nearly 20 tabs open in firefox.

the ashtanga yoga practice is meant to teach the tools that help us be to grounded and to give us the strength to be compassionate and open, which then enables us to observe, absorb and react to our environment. i think.

ok, now i'm going for a walk in the sun. i'm excited about tomorrow morning's session.

John Scott workshop day 1

this morning's session was a led primary class. i'd say there are around 60-70 people in the workshop and you could feel the excited energy as everyone was arriving and laying out their mats. chanting in with so many voices was cool to hear and be a part of. the practice was great, i like john's way of teaching and i really like sanskrit counted classes typical of this ashtanga style.

the message that stuck with me was the awareness of being fully grounded through whatever contacts you have with the earth in the postures - your feet, hands, sit bones - feel yourself pushing down into the earth and feel the energy of the earth coming back up into you and feel this lightness coming up and through your heart centre, bringing this open-ness and connected-ness throughout your entire body. carrying this lightness throughout the practice by the engagement of mulabandha and udiyana bandha and using the drishti (gaze) and focus on the breath to quiet the mind.

john said at one point to "lead with the heart" and i think that can be taken as good advice both in the yoga room and out. to work through the asanas with an open heart indicates to me good energetic alignment (relaxed engagement) and a full breath with energy flowing freely down the lines of the body. to lead with an open heart could also be a way of coming from a place of loving-kindness and compassion in our interactions with ourselves and with others in our daily lives.

looking forward to this afternoon...

this afternoon was a discussion of what was touched on in the morning session. we worked more with the gaze and looked more into what can be achieved through yoga which is the opening of the heart, called sukha. through surrender and by unravelling the layers we learn to lead with the heart and see through the labels we use to describe things.

to feel the lifting of the heart in the asanas and in the transitions, we must be grounded and we worked a bit today to feel the strength and balance in all four limbs while in a forward bend and then carried it through a counted vinyasa. it is easy to let the legs do all the work and i find it hard to trust the strength in my arms to carry equal weight.

looking forward to tomorrow morning's practice. my intention is to lead with the breath and to focus on the more subtle energy lines to bring awareness to the deeper layers of the body. sounds easy right? ;)

hello

today was my last day at work. tomorrow is the beginning of my year long leave of absence. i'm excited, and slightly nervous.

for the next 5 days i'll be attending a yoga workshop taught by John Scott who is a senior ashtanga teacher.

after that it's study time. i'm about a quarter of the way through a nutrition diploma from the canadian school of natural nutrition. next course up is nutrition and mental health.

tomorrow i'll have more to say. goodnight.