Saturday, May 24, 2008

Vipassana

One week ago I returned from a 10-day Vipassana retreat as taught by S. N. Goenka. It took place at the Vipassana Meditation Centre of BC which is located off the Coquihalla 30km east of the tollbooth. I'd like to share my experience, but I'm hesitant because of the influence it could possibly have on future students' expectations and also because it's difficult to put into words an experience like this. Everyone's story is unique and here I will share some of my thoughts and interpretations.

I drove to the retreat with four other people; three of us were new students, one woman was returning for her second course and one woman for her third. It was reassuring to learn that people return to these retreats! We left the city at 11:30am and pulled into the driveway of the centre just after 2pm. Registration was from 2-5pm followed by orientation and a light supper. We were to gather together that evening for the introductory discourse to prepare us for the first day of the course.

The discourses were given every evening at 7pm and were video recordings of Goenka discussing the technique and theory of Vipassana. His discourses were always a pleasure to listen to. Questions I had during the day were often answered during the discourse that night. Goenka also introduced and concluded the led meditation sessions via audio recordings. I was already aware of this format going into the course but had I not known I can see how it would have been surprising to hear a strange man's voice come over the speakers while the teachers meditated at the front of the room in perfect stillness.

The first evening we were all to agree to the five precepts and we repeated them aloud to the teachers. The five precepts are as follows: abstain from killing, abstain from stealing, do not tell lies, abstain from all sexual activity and abstain from all intoxicants. Old students had three more precepts to follow: abstain from eating after midday, abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decorations and abstain from using high or luxurious beds. Agreeing to these precepts and requesting in unison to be taught Vipassana from our teachers marked the first of three parts to the training. By laying this ethical framework we were establishing sila, or moral conduct, onto which we would build samadhi, or concentration of the mind through Anapana meditation. Thirdly, panna, or wisdom, follows through regular Vipassana meditation practice.

Noble silence was instated at the end of the discourse and at 9pm we went to bed. Lights out at 10. Noble silence is silence of body, speech and mind. There was to be no further contact with those around us. No speaking, no gesturing - we were to act as if we were completely alone. If a problem were to arise we were to address the teachers or the designated management personnel. There was one individual for the men and one for the women as men and women are separated. The silence was relatively easy. Everyone co-operates and it really wasn't difficult. There was the odd time you'd want to hold a door open for someone, say "bless you" when they sneezed, or let them pass in the lunch line, but everyone understood, as far as I could tell. Silently my 2 roommates and I got into our beds and went to sleep, not really sure what to expect over the next 10 days.

Day 1:
At 4am the gong sounds. It's a nice chime, but it's so early. At 4:25 it sounds again and by 4:30 we are to be meditating in our rooms or in the meditation hall. The first day, everyone went to the hall. I went into the hall and sat down in the space designated to me the night before, not knowing what to expect. The first 3 days we learn Anapana meditation. Today we are simply observing the breath. The natural breath, unregulated. We are learning to be aware of the inhalations and the exhalations. When my mind wanders... I am to gently, kindly bring it back. It's ok, the mind wanders, come back to the breath. We meditate from 4:30 to 6:30. The schedule every day went like this:

4am - wake up
4:30-6:30 - meditate in your room or in the hall
6:30-8 - breakfast and rest
8-9 - first group sitting in the hall
9-11 - meditate in your room or in the hall according to the teacher
11-noon - lunch and rest
noon-1pm - interviews with the teachers
1-2:30 - meditated in your room or in the hall
2:30-3:30 - second group sitting in the hall
3:30-5 - meditate in your room or in the hall according to the teacher
5-6 - tea
6-7 - third group sitting in the hall
7-8:15 - evening discourse
8:15-9 - final meditation in the hall
9-9:30 - questions for the teacher or rest
10 - lights out

The breakfast bar was the same everyday: oatmeal, toast, granola, fruit, herbal tea. Most days I would either go outside or take a nap after eating. At 7:55 the gong would sound and we would head into the hall for the first of three group sittings. We would often receive new instructions in the previous night's discourse and then work on those things during the subsequent sessions. Goenka would chant and talk us through the first few minutes and then it would be silent. After about an hour his voice would come in over the speakers chanting "anicca....", which is "impermanence" in Pali. This word was repeated many, many times throughout the course. The sitting would conclude with him chanting in Pali "May all beings be happy" three times. We all agree by repeating "sadhu" three times.

I meditated in the hall for the first couple days and then started staying in my room when it was ok to do so. Our window faced east and it was so nice to see the sun rise and fill the room with gold. My room was also more comfortable and I felt more relaxed, sometimes too relaxed though and I'd have to get up and walk around from time to time to stay awake.

The first day went by quite quickly and I fell asleep pretty easily, despite it barely being dark out. In the first few hours of the day I'd already meditated more than ever before in my life. It wasn't easy but it wasn't hard either... yet. Focus on the breath, I can do that. I do that in my yoga practice all the time. Sitting comfortably was harder, but there were shelves full of cushions and other props to try. Some people built themselves elaborate supports but I managed to get by with a backrest, my meditation cushion and 2 small cushions for under each knee, as well as a blanket for the chilly mornings. I was impressed by those who could sit with hardly anything and not move an inch throughout the sittings.

Day 2:
Today we are focusing on the triangular area encompassing the nose and nostrils and the top of the upper lip. Noticing where the breath touches and observing it. At first I didn't feel it very much. The mind chatter would get louder, I'd notice it, come back to breathing and then feel the touch again. Already my mind feels clear. I'm rocking this. Then, as a defense mechanism, my mind fought back and I became completely distracted. Our minds build walls for protection and habit patterns are developed to help us react, but these reactions often lead to suffering and the habits must be broken. I had trouble focusing for the rest of the day and into the evening. I had a hard time falling asleep and when I woke up the next morning I signed up to speak to the teacher to see if she had any advice on how to deal with a mind that was trying to sabotage my efforts to reach enlightenment.

Day 3:
Today we narrow our focus and become mindful of the area below the nostrils, above the upper lip. We are concentrating on smaller and smaller areas to further sharpen our minds. I talk to the teacher today after lunch and she tells me that what I had been experiencing the previous day and throughout this morning is very common and she tells me to keep coming back to the breath. These thoughts, however distracting are impermanent. They won't last. I'm feeling much better by the evening. It's very quiet here. After 3 days of Anapana meditation, tomorrow is Vipassana Day and I'm looking forward to it.

Day 4:
Vipassana Day! The morning carries on as usual but there are no midday interviews and at 2pm we are summoned to the hall by the gong. We are to undergo our first "sitting of strong determination." Here we sit completely still for the duration of the session. For our first Vipassana meditation we are led through for 2 hours by Goenka. We start at the top of the head and move down to the tips of the toes observing any and all sensations that come up. We are to observe the sensation (heat, cold, tingling, prickling, itching, throbbing, pulsing, etc). Observing the sensation without feeling any craving or aversion and watching it arise and pass is essential to fully understand the physical nature of impermanence. It becomes habit to react without thinking to our environment and as we develop cravings and aversions to these stimuli, our habit patterns become more deeply ingrained. Everything passes, everything changes; it is senseless to wish it otherwise because that is impossible and to wish it so only causes suffering. How I choose to react will determine whether I suffer or whether I am happy. It is only up to me. In the discourses, Goenka would talk about the importance of experience. It is easy to read books, to learn theory, but to actually practice and learn through experience is essential for complete understanding. And complete understanding is essential for liberation from misery and suffering. I feel like I have a lot of work to do.

Sitting still for 2 hours is HARD. First it was my knees that started aching, then my back. I think I moved once or twice. After the 2 hours I stood up slowly, feeling the blood rush back into my legs and feet and I went outside. During our breaks or rest periods we were free to walk the paths through the forest outside. The men had their designated paths and so did the women. The areas weren't very big but it was so nice to go outside. I'd felt pretty good the previous few days, sometimes finding it difficult to keep from smiling. The evening of day 4 though I couldn't help it. I went out walking in the forest with the biggest grin on my face. I was so happy! Everything made me smile. The food was delicious, the air smelled so fresh and clean, the absurdity of all these people coming together and sitting together so closely in complete silence nearly had me laughing out loud on occasion. I felt so free clear and I think without really realizing it at the time I was so looking forward to day 5 and the halfway mark that it represented.

Day 5:
As of today the three group sittings are sittings of strong determination and we can't move for one hour. I've figured out a way to sit comfortably by now and today when the closing chanting starts and I move for the first time I feel refreshed. Today we are observing sensations from the top of the head to the toes and then back up from the toes to the top of the head. Up and down, up and down. Equanimously. Observing, not reacting, observing, not reacting. Going to bed I am so happy to be halfway over. I'm glad I'm here, but it is hard and already I'm looking forward to going home. Hooray for halfway!!

Day 6:
Ugh, only halfway. Still day 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. That is so long, I can't meditate any more. I woke up a bit sour. After the first group sit at 8 my roommate and I returned to our room for water and we were surprised to see that our third roommate had packed up and left. Her bed is bare, her things are gone. I didn't even know her name. Strange to live with someone for 6 days and then suddenly have them be gone. I'm restless the whole day and I sign up to speak to the teachers at lunch. I can't possibly meditate anymore. Come back to the breath I'm told. When the mind wanders, forget the sensations for a while and just breathe. Find the quiet, don't crave it. It will come. Just breathe. In the discourse we are told that day 2 and day 6 are often the hardest for people. That's exactly what I have felt and that is comforting. All will pass.

Days 7, 8, 9:
We continue to observe the sensations, we go up and down and up and down the body, observing larger chunks together at a time. The areas that were previously blind start to awaken. I can feel where I couldn't feel before. On the mountain across from the centre I see a face in the hillside. The mountain man becomes my friend and I talk to him and look at him exasperatingly when I open my eyes and realize I've been imagining brand new episodes of The Office and House in my head. The days go by and I can keep my focus for longer and longer stretches of time. By the end of day 9 I'm so excited for day 10 and how it will unfold. I miss Luke, I miss my friends and family and I miss my snuggly orange cat. I can't wait to go hiking and camping and to read and write and sleep past 4am and eat dinner and cook and bake and do yoga! The yoga! I miss it!

Day 10:
Morning schedule as usual. After our 8am sit we come back to the hall to learn metta bhavna (loving kindness) meditation. Goenka often uses the metaphor of performing deep surgery on the mind by practicing Vipassana meditation. We are extracting deeply rooted sankharas and metta bhavna will now act as a soothing balm for our wounds. I don't really feel like I've undergone surgery, but it's hard to tell in such a peaceful, supportive, loving environment. We are guided for about an hour by Goenka and for me this was one of the most powerful sittings. We are instructed to once again tune into the subtle sensations we have sharpened our minds to feel and then infuse these sensations with love and send them outward. Love. Goodwill. Peace. Happiness. May all beings be happy, may all beings be peaceful. The audio stops, the teachers get up and leave the hall. I was a bit confused. What do we do now? Slowly people start to leave the hall. I get up and go out. At the end of the hallway is a sign saying "Noble silence is now over...". I avoid looking at anyone and slip out the door to find someplace quiet to sit. We can talk now, but now is when I feel like I need silence the most. Love brings happiness and peace. Ill will brings misery and suffering. The choice seems obvious. Everything seems so clear and I feel very peaceful outside listening to the nearby creek. I go into the dining hall where people have gathered and are chatting excitedly. It was so refreshing and reassuring to hear everyone's experiences. We all had crazy dreams, we all had doubts. Day 2 and 6 were hard for many. We all peeked when our eyes were supposed to be shut. Many of us wanted to run halfway through (one woman I spoke to had silently wished for a passing helicopter to stop and scoop her up and take her away). I realized that the silence isn't just to make it easier to clear our minds but also so that we wouldn't compare experiences as we were going through them not to influence them. "I feel tingling do you feel tingling? I don't feel it! Oh no! I've failed! I'm doomed to be miserable forever!" That kind of thing.

After a few hours we were back in the hall at 2:30 for the regularly scheduled group sitting. The evening went by quickly and we were fed a light dinner (what a treat!). By 9pm everyone was exhausted. Talking is so draining and my head feels like it's spinning!

Day 11:
I have never been so happy to be woken up at 4am. At 5:15 we were summoned to the hall for the final discourse. Breakfast was at 6:30 and by 8 we were on the road heading home. It was quite a shift from the slow, peaceful, quiet life we had been living to suddenly be merging onto the Coquihalla. It was a beautiful day. The snow was melting along the highway and waterfalls were full and gushing with the spring thaw. Everything was so bright and green. As we exited off the freeway in Vancouver I started to feel a little overwhelmed. There were so many people, so much noise, so much busy-ness. It was so wonderful to walk in the door and see Luke and Jebus. As I reconnected with friends and family that day I was surprised by the culture shock and how sensitive I was feeling. This week has been busy and full of distractions and while I have felt very refreshed and alive, I'm also slightly sad as the chatter in my mind picks up and the quiet starts to fade. I'm looking forward to re-establishing my yoga practice and including Vipassana in my routine. I think the two practices will be very complimentary.

This was an amazing experience and obviously a life-long process and is something that I can see helping so many people. I've been asked if I feel like I've changed and the answer is definitely yes, but it's impossible not to change. We change with every breath, every moment of every day. I've thought about those 10 days and what I learned every single day since I've been home. While I was there I couldn't wait to come home and there was no way that you could convince me that I would ever go back, but on the 10th day something changed, and now I know that I'll definitely return. I'm happy to talk to anyone about the course if you have any questions and I have some books that I'd be happy to lend out. I know it's not for everyone, but who doesn't want to be liberated from misery and live a life of happiness and peace? Everyone deserves that.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Jen!

I'm so excited after reading your story! It totally brought back my Vipassana experience ;)

I'm glad you had a wonderful time and SUPER congrats on making it through - a few people left at my course in Northfork CA too ;)

Take care and say hi to Luke!

Dougie Fresh

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this, Jen :) It sounds like it was, and will continue to be, a great experience for you!

redmaverick said...

Hi Mel,

will the course have only a temp effect? a few days of peace and quiet before we become the same ole self?

if that is so, then there is no point in going to the retreat......

I will be going for my first retreat in north fork on July 1st. I really don't want to have great supernatural experience, clarity, tingling, subtle sensations which fade away after a while.

I want to change myself, become more efficient, more in control of myself. I hope it has a lasting impact on my life.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mel
Thankyou for your wonderful account of your vipasana experience, I thought it was very well written and informative, and easy to read and understand. Im going on my second 10 day in Kau kapakapa, New Zeeland, in a couple of days, Im going to incorporate a little yoga also, hoping to get into full lotus for the first time, perhaps. Going to start of half lotus each leg, alternate every sitting over the ten days, then around day nine or whenever feels really relaxed mind/body slip into the full lotus. Why , I master my body, it does what I want, not other way around. and regain my flexiblity and I always wanted to do, but could, but i reckon I can and will.

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Vido said...

Reading about your active lifestyle makes me think about myself and how lazy I am - I think it might push me to get an iPod nano and start taking up some exercise myself like early morning or late night running.

Keep up your hard work! :D

P.S. sorry about the double post.